I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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