Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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