I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
