mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize