if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
