3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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