I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
