Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
