i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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