i don't like sucking hair
my phone needs a breathalizer
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Randomize
