Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
No subtext here. People are naked.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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