she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
mondays should just be called national damage control day
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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