Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
