Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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