i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
