I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
