Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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