apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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