It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
