I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
