When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
