I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Your shirt... Was in my pants
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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