If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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