having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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