Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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