well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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