i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
