she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
