you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
