so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
