After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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