i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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