I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
