Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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