finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
