I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
