I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
cat food counts as protein by the way
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
