can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize