I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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