Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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