I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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