Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
