I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
