Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize