Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
