Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
