i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
