I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
