Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
