idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
