the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
