It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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