At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
