Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
