She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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