My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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