a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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