And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
