I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
only you would photoshop your dick
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize