She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
