there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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