I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
