So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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