Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
