Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
