i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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