She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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